And so it goes
by makeminedreamy25
Summary: Follows season 4. Meredith and Derek have broken up. Can they reconcile? And if they do...what complications keep them from being together? merder
1. Chapter 1

-1This is has been around my head forever…the topic has been done a lot now..but hopefully…this will be different! It's based off the Billy Joel song "and so it goes.." It will be mer/der eventually…you know how I roll with the angst…so I hope you stick with it!

In every heart there is a room, a sanctuary safe and strong, to heal the wounds

From lovers past…until a new one comes along.

I spoke to you, in cautious tones, you answered me with no pretense,

And still I feel, I've said to much..my silence is my self defense.

And every time, I've held a rose, it seems I've only felt the thorns

And so it goes, and so it goes, and so will you soon I suppose…

But if my silence, made you leave, than that will be my worst mistake

So I will share this room with you, and you can have this heart to break…

So this is why my eyes are closed, it's just as well for all I've seen

And so it goes..and so it goes…and you're the only one who knows…

So I would chose to be with you, that's if the choice were mine to make…

But you can make decisions to….

And you can have this heart to break…

The stormy gray waves lapped against the bottom of the ferry spraying a cold mist up into Meredith's face. It was a traditional cloudy day for Seattle, and she had to pull her beige trench coat tighter around herself. She thought it was ironic, that the weather was miserable. It seemed to be purposely mirroring her mood.

"_I can not trust you anymore…one minute you're telling me you want forever…and the next your dating.." _

She watched the land disappear as the boat traveled further and further away from Derek's land. It got smaller and smaller until the misty clouds completely enveloped it in a blur of white. She knew it may be the last time she ever saw it…and wanted to watch it until she could no more.

"_Meredith…I can't do this anymore. Are we together or not? We can't keep doing this to each other…we're either together..or we're not..that's it.." _

Once the land was completely out of her sight she turned so she could see the silver skyline of the city. It was early, almost two hours before her shift officially started, but she had given herself extra time to take one last ride on the ferry. The ferry was their thing…it was large, powerful, and almost indestructible. Unless it collided into things…a perfect symbol of their complicated relationship.

"_Then…I guess we're not…" _

Tiny, cold, droplets of rain pelted at her. She heard them hit her coat before she felt them hit her head. Her hair would be messed up all day, but she didn't care, she wasn't trying to impress anyone anyway. She made no motion to head for cover inside the boat, she liked the cold, it effectively numbed her…it fit…her mood.

"_Oh…then this is it…" _

"_Yeah…I think it is…" _

They had been broken up for two weeks…two weeks that she barely could register on her mind. She had no idea what had gone on…who had talked to her…what she had said…she had merely floated through them trying to come to terms with what had happened.

It was affecting her more than she thought it would. She had drowned herself in work, hoping to avoid the memories that flooded her mind but she couldn't avoid them when she slept. They attacked her with such force that she would end up on the sofa downstairs….unable to sleep in the bed that reminded her of Derek.

She blamed herself. The guilt was overwhelming and all she could think about was that she had ruined something great. Her warm tears were mixing with the almost freezing rain creating a weird juxtaposition.

Wiping her eyes only succeeded in destroying what lite makeup she had on. Smeary mascara lines were running down her cheeks and yet she still didn't care.

"_I'm sorry…" _

"_Yeah…me too…"_

The boat's fog horn blared startling her and signaling the end of her journey across the harbor. The land on the other side was now a distant memory, except she couldn't get it out of her mind.

Looking down into the cold water she remembered the icy chill it felt as it overtook her body. She felt the same way now, numb, cut off from the rest of the world. Except this time, she had no warm body to curl up to. There was no one to save her this time. There would be no breath of fresh air.

"I'm so sorry Derek." Meredith whispered, the wind carrying it off into nothingness.

And so it goes…and so it goes…

And you're the only one who knows…


	2. Chapter 2

-1I'm really sorry this took so long! That episode really threw me! I mean I was prepared...and that helped. But at the same time it made me really sad! So, needless to say this update took awhile a lot of thinking and I've decided to change it up a little.

I almost left it a one shot, but it wouldn't leave my head so enjoy!

Walking into the hospital was like walking onto a movie set for Meredith. The second she walked through the automatic doors she had to slip into a suit of protective armor. Like she was playing a character the tears had been wiped from her eyes, her hair had been loosely pulled back, and the frown was replaced with a dim smile.

In real life she was a shadow of her former self, unable to eat, sleep, or function regularly. But, inside the walls of the hospital, she had been playing the part of "strong, independent, happy, Meredith." She was sure if she was an actor instead of a doctor she would have won a golden globe by then.

Acting was hard to do however, and it was even harder when she had to watch Derek happy, walking around with his new girlfriend attached to his hip. She wanted him to be happy, she was glad he was happy, except she never thought he'd be happy without her.

Her first surgery of the day was with Derek. A young girl with a rare brain tumor was their scene for the day. The stage was set, she knew the part she had to act well, but for some reason, the armor was harder to put on that day. It was heavy, weighing down her heart.

Derek was the only one in the scrub room and she watched him scrub aggressively at his hands while he got into the zone for the complicated surgery. She stood outside until she couldn't anymore and finally with a deep breath, she stepped into the room.

Scrub rooms had become her worst enemy. Her and Derek had always had serious talks in them, he decided to stay with Addison in scrub rooms, he yelled at her in scrub rooms, and...he kissed rose in scrub rooms. That scrub room in fact. The irony was not lost on her.

He seemed lost in his thoughts and she didn't dare look at him until he realized she was there, and turned to look at her. His eyes held hers with a shimmer of longing for a split second before they shifted back to indifference.

The air around them was somewhat comfortable, in a way that was so normal...it made it rather abnormal. They hadn't had any serious conversations in the past two weeks. They were civil, however, and found a way to peacefully co-exist...though that's all they were doing.

"You never know what's wrong without the pain..."

The tiny glimmer in his eyes did not go unnoticed and she couldn't help the involuntary flood of emotion that threatened to seep out of her. She took in a deeper breath. 'Acting Meredith...you're the best actress ever..' Once she had snapped her emotions back into place, she was able to turn and look at him.

"I brought your things over to the trailer today." He wasn't expecting that and grabbed a paper towel to dry his hands.

"I could have come to get them..." Her face was set, strong, emotionless, and for the first time in awhile he wished he could read her mind. This was the most they'd communicated besides their daily "Good morning." and she was nervous that her body armor wouldn't hold out for a real conversation.

"You went there today?" He was genuinely surprised. There wasn't any reason for her to travel that far, he would have come to pick them up...even though his extra clothes were probably the furthest thing from his mind.

"Yeah well, I had some time, it was a nice ferry ride...a nice day..." She shook her head as her mind screamed at her. 'Stop rambling...it looks weak...he'll know you rode the ferry because it reminded you of him...' She closed her mouth without even finishing her thought.

He watched her, even smiled as she rambled. He missed it, and then he saw the hint of sadness in her eyes and it clinched at his heart. She turned it off like a switch, not even giving him time to react.

"It's pouring rain." He clarified, stretching out the conversation as long as he could. It felt nice to talk to her for more than the allotted ten seconds.

"Yeah..I didn't really notice. It's Seattle..you know?" He nodded in understanding, though he didn't really understand what would make her stand out in the cold pouring rain all morning. While he was pondering, she refocused on washing her hands, turning up the hot water so that it burned at her hands leaving angry red streaks.

He followed her gaze down to her hands and watched the hot steam rise from the cool sink. Trying not to notice the spark that shot through his skin as their hands accidentally touched, he shut the water off forcibly, not caring that he would have to re-scrub in.

Jesus Meredith, you don't have to boil yourself to be sterile." His voice was rough and determined as he flipped the cold water on to coat her hands. Turning to him, but barely making eye contact she mumbled out a "I'm Fine Derek." Causing his moment of worry to dissipate quickly.

"Of course you are." He muttered. "Thanks for my stuff."

"Your welcome." She managed to keep her voice steady..though it was becoming harder and harder to do with him there. Finishing up her hands she looked over at him and followed his gaze to the OR where the nurses were prepping the scrub room.

She recognized the nurse closest to them, and even underneath her dorky cap and gown, she could tell that it was rose. She didn't dare look over to see Derek's face. She didn't want to see him shooting Rose the trademark smile that used to be exclusive to Meredith.

Rose looked over at him, the smile was evident even underneath her mask, but upon seeing Meredith by Derek's side she awkwardly turned back to what she was doing. Derek sighed beside her, and Meredith knew then that he was staring at her.

She looked up, and green met blue in an intense gaze that neither were prepared for. In a second her armor cracked and her eyes welled with tears. She didn't mind however, since his seemed to be doing the same, but before they could react to the moment the doors were pushed open and the nurses piled into the scrub room.

Suddenly flustered Meredith grabbed a paper towel and awkwardly dried her hands trying to ignore the glares she was getting from two nurses behind Derek. "Well, are you ready to do this Dr. Grey?" He managed to get out. She nodded, and the air around them tingled.

Both of their eyes had long since shifted back to emotionless and in a flash they were back into their professional selves. Her armor was back, and there was no way she was going to let it slip again.

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same..."

"Yes Dr. Shepherd. I am." He followed her into the room, and like the director had called action they flowed through their scene effortlessly.


	3. Chapter 3

"Denial...it's not just a river in Egypt"

The 4th floor lounge was dark, quiet, and empty, the perfect place for Derek to hide. He wasn't hiding from any one but his own menacing thoughts that wouldn't give him a moments piece.

He had tried to be ok since the break up, he even convinced himself it was for the better. He was dating rose, taking it slow, but trying the best he could to give it a shot. He had to. He was already pushing 40. He couldn't just sit and watch his life go by while he waited for Meredith.

In theory his plan worked, but then he spent 4 hours standing next to her petite form in surgery and he had nearly lost it. He felt like an ass, instead of focusing on the child's brain he was focused on the sweet whiff of perfume his nose would take in every once awhile.

It wasn't lavender, or anything he could remember her wearing. It was sweet, like a fruit, and it instantly sent waves of warmth through his body.

"Is there something we need to talk about?"

His friends voice pierced through the darkness startling Derek.

"What?" He responded gruffly, and watched as Mark stepped into the room, shutting the door behind him.

"You're sitting here in the dark...that's not normal."

Derek sighed, to expel the frustration that was left meddling in his head. He was anxious, his stomach clenching into tiny knots and he suddenly had the urge to run, or bike...or do something to help.

"I'm just thinking." His head went into his hands while Mark took a seat across from him, watching his friend with curiosity.

"About..." Mark really wasn't getting it.

"About the fact that I just spent 4 hours in surgery with Meredith." It was Mark's turn to sigh, and his posture relaxed no longer worried that something huge was affecting Derek.

"Well...that sucks..I guess." He couldn't see Derek's expression so he really didn't know if it was a bad thing or not. He knew Derek didn't need any prompting, he knew he would talk when he was ready to talk so Mark just sat, letting the thoughts stew in Derek's brain.

After several minutes of silence Derek finally spoke. "She dropped my things off at the trailer this morning, while I was here."

"That was nice of her." Came Mark's matter of fact reply.

"I didn't expect that. I wasn't even thinking about my stuff..."

"Well...welcome to a real break up. That's usually how it goes. Unless she's really mad like Mary Flannigan I dated in college. She burnt all mine."

Derek laughed, though it was rough sound and lacked the happy tone laughs usually held.

"I just...I guess it makes me it real now."

"You're dating Rose...I'm pretty sure it's been real for weeks."

"No, I don't know, it just seemed like normal...minus the sex..."

"Which is why you need to sleep with Rose.."

"It wont be the same.." Mark huffed, and arched his eye brow at Derek even though he knew his friend couldn't see it.

"Derek...sex is...well sex and it'll still be good no matter what.."

"Sex with Meredith was more than good..."

"I can't...I don't believe this. You're still in love with her aren't you? This whole moving on this is just one big act..." Mark accused, not understanding his friend at all.

"Love was never the problem! I will always love her. But we can't work, so yes I'm in love with her, but Rose is not an act. I'm trying to move on."

Mark looked at him skeptically. "Have you taken Rose to your land yet?"

"No...we've only gone out a times..."

"You haven't showed her the view...or the lake...or the giant whole that was dug for the basement?"

Derek grew annoyed and stood up. "No! I haven't felt the need to." He snapped, and mark knew he had hit a nerve.

"You showed me, and the chief, and everyone else you know..."

"I never showed Meredith the view..."

"But you showed her the plans..."

"Just shut up Mark! I came here to think in peace, not be hassled."

"She probably saw the contractors there today anyway...and ran for the hills" Laughed Mark, trying to bring some humor to the situation.

Derek thought about this and then sat back down in the chair opposite Mark. "God I hope not..." He didn't want her to see that he was pushing forward on his "dream house" he didn't want her to think he was mocking her. She already thought the plans were a trick to test her...he didn't need her thinking the house was as well. But then again, they were broken up, so it shouldn't really matter what she thought.

His brain was working over time again, stabbing him with tiny knives of guilt. He shouldn't of shown them to her, she wasn't ready, he knew that...and yet...he had pushed her anyway.

"It's raining, I don't think they were there today.." Derek concluded..hoping that the contractors weren't the reason for the devastated look they shared before surgery.

"Why do you care? Being broken up means you don't have to worry about her anymore. Let her see it."

"I don't care." Derek lied, not wanting to seem like the complete mess that he was in front of his friend.

Mark laughed, seeing right through Derek. "Good thing I raised my bet to 20 that you two would be back together by Christmas." Derek's fists clinched, and he shot out of his chair once again.

"You bet on my love life?"

"Hey, why not? It's easy money!"

"Well you better get it back, Meredith and I are over. We're going to stay over." Derek's pager sounded creating a shrill echo in the small room. He mumbled a moody goodbye and Mark smirked as he watched him go.

He would win the bet, that much he knew. Derek was in denial, Mark knew it, he was the only one who could see through the tight facade Derek wore around the hospital. If only Derek could realize it as well.

"Denial...it's not just a river in Egypt..it's a freakin' ocean..so how do we keep from drowning in it?"


	4. Chapter 4

Let's say...in shondaland it was already December when we saw the last episode. I'm going to assume that there was no Christmas episode because of the strike...so let's just pretend Christmas hasn't happened yet. 

The Queen of Avoidance meets the King of Denial

"So you had surgery with mc-asshole today? How did that go?" Cristina joked in her most sarcastic voice once she had sat down at the tiny cafeteria table. Meredith looked up from her notes barely listening to her friend.

"Yeah...it was...well..surgery." She lied, it was definitely not a surgery. She had almost let her guard down. Derek's penetrating gaze into hers broke her for a second, she let him see the raw emotion in her eyes and she was sure he recognized the sadness before she could hide it.

'Great. Just great Meredith. So much for acting.'

Cristina watched her friend curiously, as Mark had watched Derek hours before. She new Meredith was lying, she could tell by the way she kept her head down in her notes.

"So...it was fine working with Derek and Mc-Horse Teeth?"

That caused Meredith to look up and she frowned at Cristina. "Mc-Horse Teeth? Is that a Cristina original?" She asked dryly, and Cristina only laughed cackled in response.

"Oh no. Everyone is calling her that. This is the biggest scandal since Addison."

"Good. I'm glad to see my life has once again provided fuel for the hospitals entertainment." Came Meredith's bitter reply and she pushed the Caesar salad away from her.

"Well...it's a little late for that. I think you're break up in the hallway ensured the gossip mill would last awhile.."

"Uggg. Whatever. I don't even care." She attempted to shrug it off, yet the information sunk deep into her brain. Of course everyone was talking about her. 'Poor pathetic Meredith lost her Mc-Dreamy.'

Cristina eyed her skeptically before biting into her hot dog and then talking with her mouth half full.

"I think you do care. It's ok to care, If I was in situation and he was parading his new girlfriend around me I'd be downing some shots about now."

"He's not parading her.." She snapped causing a smirk from her friend.

"You're defending him now?"

Meredith shook her head violently. "No. I'm not..."

She went to burry her head back in her notes, but looked back up like she had to justify the point a little more.

"I'm ok. I don't hate him...I don't need him..."

Meredith didn't see the gleam in Cristina's eye. She wasn't Derek's biggest fan. In fact, if she ever had to spend a prolonged period of time alone with him she wouldn't hesitate to give him a swift kick in the balls...but she had to admit at one time he did make her friend happy. Meredith was hurting, and Cristina could see right through her friends wall of denial.

"Do you want to go to Joe's later? I think you're in need of some jose therapy." Asked Cristina, just as Derek made his way into the cafeteria with Rose right behind him. Meredith was seated away from the entrance, and Cristina ducked her head behind a fake plant hoping she wouldn't have to make eye contact with him.

"No...No, I'm not going to drink away my issues. That's what started this mess in the first place..." Cristina wasn't even paying attention and Meredith grew annoyed and tried to shift in her seat to see what was distracting her friend.

"What are you looking at?" Cristina's eyes focused back on Meredith and she shook her head acting like it was nothing. She didn't want to tell her it was Derek...even in Meredith's pretend world of happiness she knew it would hurt her. She had never seen Derek actually eating with her in the hospital. She watched as the couple sat down at a nearby table.

"Cristina!"

"Nothing, it's nothing."

Meredith glared at her and tried once again to see around her but Cristina was making it impossible. "It's him isn't it? He's here with her?"

Looking at Cristina's fake nod of 'no' she knew he was. Of course he was there. Just when she stood up for him he decided to have lunch with his girlfriend..affectively ruining Meredith's defense.

She wasn't even sure why she was defending him. He hurt her, she couldn't trust him..and he walked away just like everyone else in her life...but deep in her heart she felt that she had driven him to it. She had avoided and refused to open up, she refused to let him in at all...and that finally had driven him away. The guilt and pain clinched in her gut and all thought of food was forgotten now that she felt sick to her stomach.

Cristina saw the pain reflected in Meredith's eyes and knew she would be able to break her friend's armor.

"Meredith. Earth to Meredith."

"Yeah..what?" Cristina's voice shook her back from her menacing thoughts. She was prone to escaping into them, she found a weird solace in her ability to drift away from the world.

"You're not ok are you?" Cristina knew, she could tell, but she wanted her to admit it, pretending wasn't healthy, it wasn't really accomplishing anything.

Cristina watched as Rose laughed at something Derek said. Her annoying shrill of a laugh pierced through the room and past there table causing Meredith to flinch.

"I'm fine. I need to go." In a nervous attempt to grab all her things, her pile of notes and books fell to the floor causing a loud crash and causing everyone around them to look over curiously.

Meredith refused to look back, she didn't want to see the stares she was getting. Cristina arched an eye brow at Derek who looked at Meredith, a flash of worry crossing over his features before Cristina's glare sent him looking back to Rose.

"I'll be fine. Really." Meredith mumbled before rushing away from the table and going the complete opposite direction of Derek and Rose.

Cristina finished off her hot dog with a smirk eying Derek closely. He was trying his best to stay focused on Rose. But every once and awhile his gaze drifted over to Cristina who in turn would arch an eye brow or narrow her eyes. He was nervous now, Meredith's presence had rattled him and Cristina was only adding to the torment.

She would enjoy making Derek Squirm just as she would enjoy beating Mark at that bet. Mark was sure they would be back together by Christmas. But, Cristina knew better. She had money on New Year's...given both the Queen of avoidance and the King of denial ample time to realize they are both a mess without each other.


	5. Chapter 5

"And I think it's gonna rain today"

The hard early December rain slashed Derek's trailer with a violent assault keeping him awake. Little rhythms would spat out in a series of pelts...then an interlude of drips and drops would settle until without warning a manic rhymthless pelt would assault the tin again...like god himself was trying to rip open the metal and seize him from his bed.

It had been two whole weeks since he had a conversation lasting more than 30 seconds with Meredith Grey. Two weeks, 14 days and 21 hours. To be exact, and yes, he was keeping track.

Coincidentally she had been no where near him in those 14 days unless she absolutely had to be. The times when he went out of his way to find her he was left spinning in an awkward cycle of emotion and confusion.

The woman by his side let out a sleepy mumble and then turned over away from him. For an instant, he pictured the curly dark brown was hair straight and light brown with a hint of blond that always left him wondering when exactly she found the time to color her hair.

The image in his mind only managed to make his heart ache in a sort of longing that he had hoped dating Rose would have cured. His stomach let out a little shudder of disappointment at the realization that he still wasn't cured yet. Two weeks, 28 days and some obscene amount of hours later and he was still in love with Meredith Grey.

Rose shifted again, and he prayed she wouldn't wake up. He didn't want to explain why he was awake, thought he could like to her and tell her it was the rain, he couldn't lie to himself. Meredith wouldn't leave his head. The thoughts never left, it was usually late at night they bothered him anyway, they kept him awake and forced him to take a sleeping pill just to get to sleep.

He shivered, and pulled the blanket up closer to him, he wanted to get out of bed and put clothes on, putting the clothes on would be his personal shield against the woman who lay beside him.

It was the first time they had had sex. He wanted it, he was a normal male, she was attractive, of course he wanted it. It was good, but midway through his thoughts turned to Meredith. Her smile, the soft feel of her lips, her petite form that so easily molded into his. Sex with Meredith was extraordinary. She knew all his favorite things. Rose...didn't really take the time to find out.

He felt bad, thinking of someone else and instantly tried to knock his thoughts back into order, but by the time they were finished, Meredith was all he could think of. Rose had drifted off to sleep and he had just laid there┘listening to the rain until it became an annoyance rather than a comfort.

Meredith would cuddle with him for hours after sex, at least in the better part of their relationship. They would talk...and listen to the rain and it would lull them to sleep.

But, that night, he just stared at the ceiling and let his heart ache in self loathing. 'Sex will be better next time..' He thought, he wished┘he hoped. It had to be...the memories of Meredith had to fade over time. They just had to.

Letting out a sigh he turned away from Rose and shut his eyes trying not to let the frustration take him over the edge. He could sleep if the rain would stop┘he could sleep if Meredith was beside him. More drip drops fell above him. 'Stupid rain. Stupid Seattle. Stupid Derek.'

So yes, sadly Derek and Rose had sex. I spared you the details! No one needs to see or read that! This is the first update and their will be a second part/follow up to it tomorrow. It's important that we see Derek's conflicting emotions. He WANTS to move on. At least his rational side tells him he should... if he moves on he can avoid the hurt that he's feeling. The other side is telling him he loves her and can't live without her. It's tough..but necessary and they will work it out soon...but it'll be rather angst filled until then so I'll apologize in advance! I'll try to keep it even with some light parts as well!


	6. Chapter 6

_Cause nothing lasts forever, _

_And we both know hearts can change,_

_And it's hard to hold a candle…_

_In the cold November Rain…._

The rain didn't usually bother her, in face she was used to it after spending the first 5 years of her life in Seattle. But, on nights when it rattled against the old Victorian house keeping her just on the verge of another restless sleep….it bugged her.

Meredith had tossed and turned for the past two hours, which wasn't unusual since she had barely slept at all since starting her residency. At first she played it off as anxiety, nervousness, or some other form of panic disorder. She even looked it up in text books…trying to diagnose herself, but she couldn't hide from the ugly truth. The only time she slept was when Derek was curled up at her side.

Nerves came from trying to get ready for Derek, the anxiety came from not wanting to loose Derek, and the panic….well that was a direct result of loosing Derek. Derek, Derek, Derek. He entered every single one of her thoughts. She wasn't sure how long it had been since she had thought about anything but Derek.

Her acting skills had really slacked in the past few weeks. She had been avoiding Derek, doing her best to stay away from him at all costs. But, she couldn't hide from surgeries, she couldn't get out of working with him and unfortunately when she did she also had to work with Rose.

Rose. The woman's name caused Meredith to let out an audible laugh that sounded foreign in the dark, empty room. Rose, the brunette who had stolen her Mcdreamy. Well…she couldn't even say stolen, though she wished she could. She had simply enchanted him at his weakest.

The knowledge that Meredith practically drove Derek to another woman ate away at her heart. It was the worst possible outcome, the one she had feared all along. And, in the gossip hungry halls of the hospital….the nurses seemed to be doing everything in their power to aid in her demise.

Talk, talk, talk, that's all they did…that's all she heard all day long. "Rose and Derek have gone out twice this week….Rose told me she thinks it's getting serious…I think Derek will make it official soon." Rose…blah, Derek…blah…the cattiness had tormented her for awhile until she had managed to effectively tune it out.

She had been able to keep up a tight armor for awhile, playing her part like usual…until Rose started weaseling her way into all their surgeries. As if she knew Meredith was a threat, and was marking her claim.

It made Meredith smirk in bed at that thought of Rose finding her threatening. That was a part she knew how to play. Though, she didn't even want to. She was tired of playing…tired of acting…tired of fooling everyone into thinking she was ok. She hid the circles with makeup, which she never usually wore. She used cucumbers to dull the bags under her eyes…she even went so far as wear baggier scrubs so know one could see how much weight she had lost. Eating did nothing but make her nerves worse.

The last thing she needed was to puke into someone's brain during surgery. It would be embarrassing…but the inevitable pregnancy rumors would make her want to die. Pregnant. Right. Like she would have ever allowed that to happen. Though, the bitter part of her mind thought that Derek would probably have poked wholes in his own condoms just to get her pregnant….to force her into readiness.

With a sigh she rolled over and shook her head banishing the mean thoughts from her mind. Hating him wouldn't help. She had tired to hate him, several times. Each time it failed…she loved him. She couldn't stop loving him. And that love was ruining her act.

And when your fears subside,

And shadows still remain,

I know that you can love me,

When there's no one left to blame…

She wanted to scream with the raw emotion she had been hiding for so long. Instead she just listened to the rain…and it's endless pounding…like the pounding in her chest, that never went away.

So never mind the darkness,

We can still find a way…

She needed to talk to him, even if it ruined her façade. In with that resolution in her head, she finally succumbed to sleep.

Cause nothing' lasts forever,

Even cold November rain….


	7. Chapter 7

It had stopped raining by the time Meredith reached Meredith's land the next morning. Though it had stopped hours before, the evidence remained as her car drove trudged through puddle after puddle.

She thought the mud was fitting, like the rain it matched her mood. After coming to the realization that she needed to talk to Derek she had felt better, well...at least a little bit. Like the sun peeking out after a summer shower she felt a tiny bit of hope flicker into her heart.

Once she pulled up and was sitting in front of his trailer however, the clouds returned, casting doubt over her new found brightness. "What am I doing here?" She asked the empty jeep trying to figure out what possessed her to make the hour drive to his land.

He was probably sleeping...or busy...or doing whatever it was Derek Shepherd did without Meredith in his life. She had to talk to him, there was no other way. She couldn't not sleep anymore, it was killing her. She knew it was only a matter of time before the physical consequences took a toll on her body. The last thing she needed was a hospital stay...then Derek and everyone else would know she was in no way ok.

A bundle of nerves grew in the pit of her stomach creating the urge to throw up. What would he say? Would he even give her the time of day? He had a new girlfriend...a new her...maybe she was just being selfish...could she really go and tell him she didn't want to loose him for good?

Both parts of her brain taunted her and told her what to do. They invaded her thoughts and it wasn't until she looked at the clock and realized she had sat there for over 20 minutes that she finally took a deep breath and stepped out onto the muddy earth.

Her shoes were ruined, that was a sure thing. There was barely any traction as she slid across his make shift driveway and stepped up onto the porch. Meredith had tracked mud everywhere, but she didn't really care. "Derek can deal with it." She thought bitterly, and then shook the thoughts away remembering that she was there to talk...not fight.

To the left was the small table that she had placed his bag of clothes and odds and ends on two weeks earlier. She remembered the tears that fell from her cheeks that day. Dropping off his clothes felt like the last tear in their fragile relationship. The end. They were no more. The hopelessness she had endured since that day was the reason she standing in the same spot now. She had to make it end.

He had to know he was the love of her life. He had to know she wanted it all, the house, the kids, the dog. If it meant being with him, she would face her fear of commitment.

Realizing once again she had stood outside for way too long she finally lifted her head high and knocked on the small tin door. She had never actually knocked...without just walking straight in afterwards and it felt odd to stand and wait for him to respond. Her stomach rolled and rolled around making the seconds seem like hours.

Finally just as she was about to give up and run for the hills the door hesitantly opened and hopeful green eyes were met with a pair of awkward brown ones. Rose. Rose. Rose. The name fluttered through her mind like poison.

Without a sound she looked at her replacement up and down taking notice of Derek's long sleeve shirt she had on that barely reached her thighs. Suddenly it all clicked. Rose was naked...half naked...in Derek's clothes...Derek had sex with Rose. She hadn't even allowed herself to think of him having sex with her...and now that images were there popping into her brain before she could stop them.

"Oh, Meredith...what can I do for you?" Rose's awkward question shook her out of her menacing thoughts. Was Rose living with Derek? She grew suddenly angry over the fact that Rose was standing with her hands on her hips like she owned the place.

They had been broken up a month...barely a month..and already he had moved on so completely that Rose felt 100 percent comfortable at his trailer. She didn't want to reply, she wanted to run, and never look back...but that would show weakness, and she would be damned before she let Rose see her upset.

"Oh...um..nothing. I needed to...ask him something but I'll just catch up with him later..." She lied, a big giant lie that didn't even sound like her own voice.

"He's in the shower." Stated the other woman, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Do you want me to tell him you stopped by?" Rose smiled, acting nice, but that's all it was..a big giant act. Both girls could have won Emmy's for the parts they were playing.

"Oh...no. That's fine." Meredith turned away without giving Rose a chance to reply and practically ran to the car. She couldn't believe she had been so stupid. Of course Rose was there. He was happy...he had truly moved on. All the rumors she had heard about him just using Rose to get over her weren't true after all.

It wasn't until she drove away out of sight that what had happened really sank in. He HAD moved on. There was no hope left. It was like her heart had broken into a million pieces and she wasn't sure how to fix it.

The tears that so badly wanted to fall never came, she wasn't able to cry, there were literally no tears left. Off in the distance, to her right she could see dump drunks carrying dirt away. Taking a closer look she could see construction workers...and her breath hitched.

He had started his dream house. The house he had planned perfectly for the two of them. The house of their dreams...she had been right. It wasn't her she wanted...but the image. She was no longer a part of his dream.

Without looking back she headed off the land as fast as her muddy tires would let her. She wasn't ok, she couldn't even pretend to be. Instead of heading to work like she should have, she headed straight to Joe's...to drown her sorrows away. She had sworn to herself she wouldn't do it, she would be strong and brave and not find a way to numb the pain. But all that shattered with her heart.

While Meredith was on her way to Joe's Derek was just stepping out of the shower and trying to figure out why the scent of lavender was blowing through the trailer. 


	8. Chapter 8

This clock never seemed so alive... 

12:00 PM

Besides the random wino and a few lunch patrons enjoying a casual drink, there was no one in Joe's bar except for Meredith. She didn't mind, she preferred it that way. There was no one there to judge her, feel bad for her, or shoot her looks of curiosity.  
Except Joe of course, and besides a few confused looks he shot her when she had first arrived, he had pretty much tried to avoid her unless she needed a refill.

The tequila burned her throat, and her head was already buzzing after only two shots. She hadn't been extremely drunk in a long time. She couldn't remember the last time she downed two shots before noon...maybe when she was in college..oh well...she thought."There's a first time for everything."

She was drowning in self pity, and pain. All she saw in her head was Rose over and over. Rose in Derek's shirt, Rose in her dream house, Rose having Derek's children.  
It made her sick, and she signaled for Joe to pour her another. She was slipping into mindless abandon the only way she knew how. Well, other than sex...and that certainly wasn't happening ever again.

Her stomach was still doing flip flops in humiliation. She couldn't believe she actually went to Derek's...and ran into Rose. Of course she would, that was her karma. "At least he didn't see me" She muttered to herself, most likely making her seem crazy to the few people that actually were there. It dawned on her that Rose had probably told Derek. The second Meredith left, Rose had most likely joined him in the shower for morning sex. They probably shared a good laugh over poor, pathetic Meredith. The menacing thoughts drilled into her head. Joe had given her two shots and she downed the second and slammed the glass back onto the bar.

"So...you're talking to yourself now?" Cristina's voice pierced into Meredith's internal, hateful dialog. Turning to look at her friend, Meredith took in the fact that she was dressed in her scrubs.

"What are you doing here?" Mumbled Meredith as she turned and faced her empty glasses.

Cristina eyed her up and down, not understanding what had gotten into her. She had begged her to come and drink for weeks...and each time she had turned it down. Now, it seemed she was making up for lost time.

"I could ask you the same question.." Came her snarky response. "Honestly Meredith, what are you doing? Your shift started at an hour ago...your interns have been running around like idiots without you."

Cristina watched as Meredith signaled for another drink and she did a mental head count of the ones already lined up on the counter.

"Earth to Meredith..." Getting no response, she grew frustrated and said her name again, this time as a yell.

"Meredith!"

"What!?" Meredith turned to face her with anger in her eyes. She wasn't even mad at Cristina, but she didn't want to be bothered...and Cristina was annoying her.

"Seriously, what's going on? You're drinking like a fish..I'm not staying late to pump your stomach..."

"I don't want to talk about it." Meredith groaned out tried to move her chair away. Her fuzzy mind was already starting to attack her coordination.

"Oh ok..." Came Cristina's sarcastic remark. "Too bad, I wasted my break to come and find you...so talk...or I swear I'll rat you out to the chief.."

Meredith laughed, an evil cackle that didn't sound like her at all. "Please, Richard would give me a slap on the wrist and send me home. I'm the daughter he never had...or whatever."

"Right and I'm sure he'd be real happy to see his fake daughter is skipping work to drown herself in tequila. Talk."

"Derek and Rose had sex! There. Are you happy? Is that what you wanted to hear?'

The whole bar turned to stare at the sudden out burst, but the two girls paid no attention to it.

Cristina made sure her seat was facing Meredith's so she could read her features.

"How do you know that?" She was surprised. She knew Meredith had been pretending to be happy...she also knew it was a matter of time before her friend fell off the wagon, literally, but it was Derek sleeping with Rose that shocked her. She figured Derek would have gotten sick of Rose by now. It just didn't make sense.  
The thought of Derek having sex with that...thing..made her want to vomit in her mouth.

"Wait...when..how did you find that out?" She didn't even try to hide the disgusted look on her face. Meredith sighed, a long and painful puff of air and turned to her friend. This time when she did, it was hard for Cristina to miss the raw emotion in her eyes.

"I went there this morning. To tell him...that...I don't even know...that I missed him...and think this whole mess is stupid...I just..I love him. I can't stop loving him..and I wanted him to know before it was too late..And then...she answered the door. In his shirt...and his dream house is being built...and I just want to crawl into a whole and die."

"Oh...thats..." Cristina didn't know what to say. She had never seen Meredith so devastated. Standing up, she signaled to joe.

"Joe, give me a mojito, make that a double, Meredith will have one as well."

"Don't you have to be back at work?"

"One wont kill me." Cristina shrugged. "This is a special occasion." They sat in silence, downing their drinks each lost in their own thoughts.

3:00 PM

Meredith downed her 7th shot without even grimacing. Her throat was numb, the amber liquid no longer burnt as it made it's way down to her stomach.  
Unfortunetly, her heart was still very much aware. Some how, it ached worse than it had when she started almost 4 hours before. It frustrated her, causing her to take less breaks in between her dose of poison.

She was alone, and had been for the past hour. Cristina, after talking some pretty huge trash about Derek, had given in and gone back to work.  
The lunch patrons were dwindling, making the bar strangely quiet. In order to keep the silence from invading her thoughts, she kept feeding the jukebox quarters.  
Madonna, The Beatles, Twisted Sister...as long as it wasn't The Clash she didn't care. Her ears were ringing to the point where she could barely hear the song anyway.

All the while, Joe observed with a watchful eye. Out of sight, he marked down how many shots Meredith had taken. He knew it would be important later. For whoever came to collect her, knowing how much she had to drink would be crucial to her care.

"Um..Meredith, I think maybe we should go home." Barely hearing the voice, she turned to find George standing near her.  
She grinned, a purely alcohol induced smile and rested her hand on his arm.

"Oh George, you don't live with me anymore...you live with my baby sister...who is actually pretty nice..." He could smell the Tequila on her breath, even from where he stood.  
Her words were slightly slured and he wasn't even sure she knew what she was saying.

"Meredith, I just got off, let me bring you home." She grinned at him again and swayed her head in time with the music.  
"NopeI'mnotgoinghome." Came her humming responce.

Realizing taking her taking her home was going to be harder than he thought, he sat down next to her. "Mer..You really can.  
You've had a lot, let me take you."

"George, was I good?" He looked at her in complete confusion.

"What!?"

"Was I good in bed? We had sex...horrible..stupid sex...but we had sex...I need to know if I was good..." George's cheeks had turned about three shades of pink and he looked around to make sure know one was listening in.  
"Meredith...I don't..." He was glad that she gave him no room to reply...because he had no idea what he was going to say.

"Derek slept with Rose...Rose...the nurse. I have to be better than her. I know all his favorite things...the shower thing.  
the hammock thing"  
"Oh god..." George groaned at her words. She kept talking, not caring that he was uncomfortable, and soon he had learned more details about Derek's anatomy than he ever wanted to know.

"Um...Joe...can I have a beer please?" He signaled the bar tender, his cheeks still flushed. "And a glass of water for her"  
Joe smirked in response, and tried not to listen as Meredith described the difficulties of having sex in a closet.

"I think it's time to go.." George told her, grabbing her arm. Shrugging him off Meredith looked at him and stopped her rant. George watched as her Demeanor suddenly changed. Her features went from smiling, to anguish within seconds.  
"Please tell me I'm better George." She pleaded. "I have to be." Her sad eyes made his heart break for her and he just nodded and ordered another beer.

6:00

The bar had started to pick up as the dinner shift at the hospital ended. Joe's had begun to fill with the usual happy hour crew, but no one noticed the completely drunk resident sitting at the bar.

Meredith was alone once again. George had gotten called back in and she vaguely remembered her pager going off before she dropped it into her glass of water. She didn't care that she had silenced it once and for all.

She had lost track of time and the amount of liquor she had consumed, but she guessed that the numbing of her face was a good indicator that she was well on her way to being inebriated.

Standing up to head to the bathroom, she thought better of it as the room spun. She saw Izzie clearly, walking in the door and sat back down in her chair to combat the dizziness.

"Ugg..did Cristina send you?" Meredith was surprised she could still make out words...they sure didn't sound like words in her head.

"Cristina, and George...oh and the chief..although, he thinks you are home with the flu..."

"You don't have to babysit me." Replied Meredith harshly barely missing the shot glasses as she swiveled in her chair.

"Someone has to watch out for you. Seriously Meredith, what are you doing?"

"I'm forgetting about him."

"Who...Derek?" Meredith just groaned in reply and laid her head on the bar.

"You were scheduled for a surgery with him today..he was pretty pissed when you didn't show.."

"So what, let him be pissed. I hate him."

Izzie rolled her eyes and ordered herself a soda. "If you hated him you wouldn't be here. Let me take you home. What if he comes in here and sees you? He'll flip out, we've been covering for you all day."

Izzie didn't know what else to say. She was hoping fear would get her friend to leave. But, looking at the dead pager swimming in the water glass...she realized Meredith was well beyond caring.

Lifting her head up, Meredith eyed Izzie. "He'll be too busy having sex with Rose to notice me."

Izzie made a face that rivaled Cristina's disgusted one. Meredith just stared at her with a stupid look on her face.

"Meredith, when has Derek ever not noticed you?" Instead of replying right away, Meredith just winked at her.

"You're really pretty Izzie. You know, I wouldn't care if it was you with him. You can sleepwithDerekif you want.." She slurred before her head was back on the bar.

"Oh christ.." Izzie mumbled before downing half of her wine. She was sure Meredith had no idea what she was saying...and she was sureshe would never sleep with Derek. EVER.

so this is part one of this scene. I'm working on part two. Is anyone still reading?


	9. Chapter 9

Derek Shepherd considered himself an even tempered man...for the most part. He could keep his calm under pressure, he could maintain a cool exterior while elbow deep in someone's brain...but, there were moments however, in which all coherent thought went out the window...and anger set in.

His day so far, had been a series of those moments. His Irish temper was quickly getting the best of him, reminding him that maybe...he wasn't so even tempered after all. His day started off awful. Getting up on the "wrong side of the bed" was an understatement.

It wasn't the bed, or the side...it was who he had woken up next to that ruined his morning. He had willingly slept with her, he knew she'd be spending the night, he just hadn't thought about how awkward it would be the next morning.

They weren't at the stage where sleep overs were completely comfortable. She didn't know what side he liked to sleep on, she didn't know where he kept the spare towels, and she didn't know that the trailer was too small for the huge suit case she brought with her. What she could possibly have put in it...he still didn't know.

Derek's eyes stung, reminding him that he hadn't really slept at all. He had thought of Meredith all night, and when he finally drifted off to sleep, he dreamt she was sleeping beside him. He was jolted out of his dream by Rose jabbing him in the ribs as he tried to snuggle up behind her. Meredith would have liked that...apparently...Rose did not.

In a huff he had given up on sleep and stumbled to the shower, hoping to find some form of solace from his hellish night. Then, hitting his senses, like nothing ever had before, he had stepped out of the shower to be assaulted with lavender. It drifted past his nostrils...and made its way into his heart.

Thinking he was loosing his mind he shook it off, praying Rose hadn't decided on a new perfume...and hoping he wasn't going completely insane. He needed to get Meredith out of his head, it was destroying him! But, once he got to the hospital he realized that was an impossible task.

She was scheduled for not one, but two of his surgeries. It took him an hour of deep breathing in his small office just to get mentally prepared to see spend half a day with her...and then she hadn't shown up.

The first time it was excusable. She could have been paged...she probably had an emergency that needed her attention...an intern could have killed someone. She was too noble to just..not show up. At least he thought. 

10 minutes before his second surgery he had paged her, ready to brief her on the patient...but got no response. Giving her the benefit of the doubt he waited...more like stood tapping his foot against the cold tile for 10 minutes. He held up his surgery...made himself look like a fool in his own OR while he had her paged again, and then again.

Finally, he had to get going, the patient would die if he didn't cut. 20 minutes in...he resided to the fact that she wasn't coming...and then the anger set in. His calm demeanor had turned in a matter of seconds to angry.

He assumed she was avoiding him on purpose. The snap broke, and all thoughts of even temper flew out the window. Stomping through the halls he practically ran into Cristina who shot him a death glare before he managed to stop her.

"Where's Meredith?" He snapped, causing Cristina to raise her eyebrow.

"Sorry...Dr. Shepherd. I don't talk to assholes." His nostrils flared, in disbelief.

"Excuse me? I'm your boss. She skipped two of my surgeries. I want to know why." He didn't feel like talking, didn't feel like running around searching for his ex girlfriend..but he had to. Something was compelling him to find her.

"Sorry. Haven't seen her." She shot back before walking away from him in disgust.

The next victim to come in contact with the angry doctor was George...and Derek couldn't figure out why the younger man's cheeks were blushed a dark shade of red.

"Um...sorry...Dr. Shepherd...she's...not well...I mean of course she's well..but just sick..." Derek eyed the stuttering George not believing it.

"Sick? Did she call out?" It didn't make sense to him. It would take an epidemic to keep Meredith home. Some of the anger quickly left, thinking she could be seriously ill...but George's unsure face brought it back. The man was lying, he could tell...and he didn't know why.

"Sorry..um..I have to go...maybe um...Izzie knows?" George darted away as fast as he could leaving Derek as confused as ever. With new determination he barged into the resident locker room on a new mission to find Izzie.

He didn't stop to think why he was going to such lengths to figure out the whereabouts of the woman that was no longer a part of his life. "I'm worried..." He thought and then shook his head. "No...It's not my job to worry..I'm mad.." His emotions went back and forth like that, mad, worried...mad...worried..until he found Izzie who had just changed out of her scrubs.

He knew something strange was going on as soon as the blond spotted him. He could see the wheels in her head spinning, trying to figure out what lies to tell him. "Do you know where she is?" He wasn't sure how to get the words out with yelling.

"Who?" His frustrated groan was his only reply.

"You know who. Will someone tell me what is going on? Meredith skipped two of my surgeries. How is it that no one knows where she is? She's allowed to just skip out on work now? This is ridiculous!" He ranted...and Izzie watched in fascination.

Behind his anger, behind his yelling, she saw disappointment, longing...but most of all love. A spark of joy went through Izzie Stevens and her eyes lit up in amusement. "What the hell are you smiling at?" He questioned and she just shook her head and gathered her things.

"I'm not sure where she is." She lied, not even pretending to act like it was the truth. It infuriated him and couldn't hold it in any longer.

"Where the hell is my girl..." He stopped abruptly, shutting his mouth before he could finish. Girlfriend. Girlfriend...Girlfriend...he almost called her his girlfriend. Izzie's smile faltered.

"You're what Dr. Shepherd? The only thing she is to you is your employee." She was testing him, pushing his buttons to see how far she could go. His eyes shown with pain and it suddenly dawned on Izzie that she was staring at very erratic, very broken Derek. A Derek that was not Ok like he had led them all to believe..a Derek...that was not over Meredith.

"My nothing." Came out of his lips like a whisper and he tried to get the anger back, he tried to wipe the pain away, but it wouldn't go.

"She's not feeling well." Derek didn't even flinch at her obvious lie and turned to leave the room. He needed to leave, get out of the room, get as far away from any reminder of Meredith.

"You're not over her." Izzie's question came out as a statement and it pulled Derek out of his menacing thoughts and back into the room. No. No. No. His mind screamed over and over and over again. Of course he wasn't over her. How could he be? You didn't dream about people you were over...you didn't think about them 24/7..you didn't compare people to them.

Derek's inability to answer told Izzie everything she needed to know, and with a slight bounce in her step she said goodbye and left the room. The information she had learned would be crucial to healing Meredith once that alcohol began to wear off.

Derek just watched her go, not sure what to do..not sure what to think...but the one thing he was sure about...was that he was not over Meredith Grey. 


	10. Chapter 10

Number nine with my head on the bar...

9:30 P.M

The bar was the crowded it had been all day. Meredith had yet to leave, even after Joe offered to call her a cab. The air around her bustled with excitement and energy, but she failed to notice. She didn't care about the people around her, all she cared about was the fact that her body was finally numb.

Her thoughts, which were firing at a rapid pace, bounded around her brain barely forming coherent ones. Just as a thought would make it's way forward, another fragmented one would jump right in and she was lost again to her own mind.

Each fragment had something in common though. They each involved Derek in some size, shape, or form. There was a fresh pile of empty shot glasses lined up on the counter. She had lost track, but she vaguely remembered Joe telling her 11 was her limit before he effectively cut her off an hour before.

The first night shift at Seattle Grace was just about over and she dreaded the prospect of seeing her people it would bring to the bar. Even the idea of sitting and being social with her friends made her dizzy.

The bell chimed insipidly, welcoming new people and with each chime brought back some horrible fragmented memory. So many important events had happened in the bar...and they all flooded back with such intensity that she felt the tears sting her eyes just from thinking of them.

Chime

"We met in this bar..."

Chime

"I'm just a guy in a bar..."

Chime

"I met a woman last night.."

Finally she had had enough and shook the thoughts away. She tried to stand up, and then a huge dizzy spell took over as her whole world tilted. The room and all the people in it spun so fiercely that all she saw were blurs of color passing before her eyes.

She could feel herself falling, could feel her legs going week and the ground ready to give out beneath her, and then there were a pair of strong arms steadying her. Lifting her back to the safety of the bar stool.

Meredith couldn't comprehend what was happening, only that she was sitting up, instead of laying on the dirty floor. She could smell a mans musky cologne. Not light like Derek had worn, but manly...sexy. She wanted to open her eyes, but the lights hurt, the noise hurt, everything hurt.

"Woah. Grey, you should stick to sitting down." She heard it, but it didn't really register in her mind. She could barely feel his hands still resting protectively on her shoulders.

Laying her head on the bar she groaned a series of mixed up words and finally opened her eyes to see Mark watching her. Even seeing him it didn't really sink in and she closed her eyes again.

She couldn't see his worried frown as he mentally did a head count of the remaining shot glasses on the bar. Mark had never seen Meredith drunk like that, he knew she was capable...but would have never believed it if he hadn't see it for himself.

He waited a couple of minutes and took in the scene, figuring out what he should do. He didn't see any of her friends around, then again, they were getting killed at the hospital...so he wasn't surprised at that.

He didn't know how long she had been there, though he guessed it was awhile and he assumed she had had far more than she should have to drink. For the first time in his life Mark wished he was more like Derek. Derek would know what to do. Derek knew her...Derek could help her...he was good at those sorts of situations.

Watching as Meredith's eye lids fluttered and her breathing deepened, he made his decisions. Like it or not...he had to do something. He couldn't go on with his night of trying to get Erica to go out with him while Meredith died at the bar. He couldn't just let her sit and be pray to any sleeze that walked by. Derek would do the same thing, he was sure of it...at least he hoped.

"Grey, I'm taking you home." He told her, rubbing her back a little to shake her out of her sleep. She moaned in response and tried to push him away, only she didn't have the coordination or the strength to do it.

"Meredith." He used her first name rather forcibly to get her to listen to him. Looking around he noticed the group of gossip hounds who had gathered in a small circle to watch with interest what was going on.

"Come on, I need to take you home. Don't make me carry you out." He could only imagine what rumors that would start.

"Nononono" She shook her head and finally lifted it up to stare at him. Her eyes focused on him for the first time and she took in his features. His hair was spiked with gel, making it stand up in sexy patterns all over his head. The dark blue shirt he had on brought out his eyes and it was as if she noticed he was extremely hot for the first time. Or perhaps, her drunken mind had just forgotten how good looking he really was.

"You're steamy." She whispered, and then an infectious giggle broke out of her lips. He smirked, hiding the shock, and tried not to be flattered. She was drunk...extremely drunk. She had no idea what she was saying, but it did give a little boost to the ego Erica Haun was slowly cracking.

"Well one of the requirements of the dirty mistress club is that you need to be good looking." His deep voice made her shiver. She wasn't sure what was happening to her. She had never been overly attracted to Mark before...if she had any clue to what she was doing she would blame the alcohol.

"Well...that you are. I'mnotgoinghomewithyou." She slurred, and he steadied her again as she tried to slide off the stool.

"I've never heard that one before. I'm a little hurt." He joked, and stood up with her, knowing she sure as hell wasn't leaving alone.

"Mark, let me go. I fine."

"I fine? You can't even talk. You're not ok." She tried to push him again, but he held her steady and suddenly she stumbled and crashed into his well toned chest. Holding onto his muscular arms she felt so safe and secure. Something even in her drunkenness she knew she hadn't felt since Derek.

Derek. The thoughts invaded her mind again. Derek had dark hair not light hair, Derek had blue eyes not hazel, Derek would have never let her drink that much tequila...the comparison drove her crazy and suddenly...she needed the opposite of Derek. She needed to feel someone other than him...and before she knew what was happening her lips had found Mark's and she was slipping her tongue into his mouth.

His lips were harder and much fiercer than Derek's. Where Derek was soft, Mark was rough, where Derek was passionate, Mark was intense. His tongue found hers in pure curiosity and she wrapped her arms around his neck. Derek would hold cup his hands to her cheeks when the kissed...Derek took control of their kisses, while Mark let her lead...Derek, Derek, Derek. She was kissing another man and thats all she could think about.

Mark pulled away, before she had the chance to think about anything else, and even with the haze still clouding her mind, she could still see and understand the regret in Mark's eyes.

"Oh..I'm sorry Meredith..we're friends...we can't do that.." The words stung and shattered her already low self esteem. Mark..the man whore of Seattle Grace was rejecting her. Derek didn't want her, Derek had walked away, and now Mark didn't even find her attractive. She was going to die...miserable and alone.

Seeing the pain in her eyes Mark pulled her back to him as she tried to retreat in humiliation. "You're drunk." He reasoned. Trying to make her see that it had nothing to do with attraction.

"And sleeping with me would be the worst thing in the world?" She snapped back at him. The hour without alcohol was bringing her mind back into focus. She could just about make out the people around her, but she still had to squint to see their faces.

Sleeping with Meredith had at one time been a fantasy, and would have been his ultimate conquest. But, as he got to knew her, he admired her for her strength. They were friends, she was the only person who would talk to him before Derek and him had patched up their friendship. It meant a lot to him. Lust had been replaced by friendship and the need to look out for her, especially when his stupid best friend wasn't around.

"We're friends Meredith and you're drunk. I know I'm a man whore, but I'm not about to take advantage of you...besides, Derek would kill me."

I was drunk and you took advantage...

Derek's words floated back to her and she let out a high pitched sigh in frustration. Derek, it always came back to Derek. "He has nothing to do with this. Derek wouldn't care."

"Actually...he would care. I'm pretty sure I'd be on the ground bleeding."

"He has no right to care!" She snapped. "He moved on. He has Rose now. He doesn't give a shit about me." Mark stood watching as the woman's facade broke right before his eyes.

She had put on such a great front at the hospital that he hadn't even noticed how truly broken she really was. She was in no way over Derek Shepherd...and he suspected Derek was the cause of her impromtu drinking binge.

"He would care Meredith. I've known him forever. You don't just stop caring about someone you love."

"He doesn't love me anymore."

"You know that's not true." He whispered, stepping closer so that he could help her with her coat and get them out of the public eye.

"You think so?" Her voice held so much hope and fear that all he could do was nod in affirmation. She probably wouldn't remember any of it in the morning, and he was glad for that...because the kiss was going to be an awkward subject.

"How many did she have Joe?" Mark asked, pulling out his wallet and laying a stack of bills on the bar. He had to keep one hand on Meredith's back so she wouldn't topple over. The alcohol was getting the best of her, attacking her system like poison.

"11...not counting the other drinks...are you taking her home?"

"Yeah..she can't stay here any more.."

He didn't look at anyone as he walked her out. Her head was buried in his chest and he was glad she was at least ok enough to walk. He didn't want to carry her like an invalid. She'd kill him in the morning.

The crowd dispersed from the center of the room and everyone went back to their respective tables to gossip over what they had just seen. Mark Sloan making out with Dr. Grey was bound to be the talk of the hospital by morning.

Only one person stood unmoving at the other end of the bar. He had gone to retrieve a new drink...only to be hit head on with the image of his best friend...and Meredith making out.

Derek Shepherd couldn't really function as he stood paralyzed, watching them leave together. His heart was racing. She was moving on...with his best friend..and suddenly he wanted to kill Mark for touching her at all.

If the rage hadn't of been taking over he would have noticed the tears in Meredith's eyes, he would have noticed the way Mark pulled away from her advances...and most of all...he would have noticed the fact that she could barely stand up.

Instead of making his way back to the table where he knew Rose was waiting for him, he walked straight to the bathroom and emptied the contents of his stomach. It made him sick to see her with anyone else, he hadn't even thought about what he would do when the day came...and now that it had...it wasn't prepared for the onslaught of emotions it brought forth.

'You knew it would happen eventually'  
'Eventually is a lot different than actually..' 


	11. Chapter 11

"Marrrkkk..you have too many clothes on.." Meredith whispered into his ear as he carried her into her bedroom. It dawned on him that it was the first time he wasn't looking forward to carrying a woman to bed.

Meredith had passed out against the window on the way home, he had hoped she would stay unconscious. But, she woke up just as he was lifting her in the house and seemed to have forgotten the whole "we're just friends.." pact as she nibbled on his earlobe.

He was only human, he'd be lying if he said it didn't get to him...but he refused to get caught up in her ministrations. Fighting off the dirty words Meredith was slurring into his ear, he dropped her onto her large bed, shaking her out of it at once.

It was almost like she had sobered up immediately, and stared at him confused. He could tell by her glazed over expression the tequila was still highly present in her blood stream, but he took her questioning remark as a good sign.

"Mark? What are you doing here..." He rolled his eyes, and pulled the messy bed covers down so she could crawl in.

"I just saved you from drowning in Tequila. No offense on the drowning." He smirked and she watched as his figure turned into two. Seeing double was bad...too bad because it made her extremely confused.

Shutting her eyes tight she grimaced. "You didn't have to save me. Youshouldhave let me..."

"Let you what?." He interrupted, "Drown? Sorry..you already did that once." He bit back at her, annoyed at her drunken suicidal talk.

"Ass." She threw herself back onto the bed and rolled onto her side with a moan as her stomach did a huge flop. Moving fast was not good...scratch that, moving at all was not good.

"Yeah, I guess I am. Listen Grey, are you alright? I just came up to make sure you got home alive.."

"Hmmppphh.." Came her groan. "I'm fine...goood.ok.I'm...ohhh..." He saw her face turn slightly green and he grabbed her arm and helped her launch off the bed and she stumbled into her in suite bathroom.

"Shit." He cursed with a disgusted look on his face as he heard her getting sick in the bathroom. Him babysitting her was definitely not what he had planned for the night, but he felt obligated to stick by her.

Her onslaught of gagging stopped and the room went silent until a minute later when he heard her heaving again.

"Grey...?" He called waiting for an answer that never came. Stepping into the room he found her curled up next to the toilet. Every once and awhile she would sit up and give into another coughing fit into the toilet.

"Oh god..." She moaned feeling completely awful. He glanced around the small bathroom trying to take anything in he could besides the sick woman. Finally, he had nothing to do but take in her curled up form.

"So...now that that's out of your system...do you want me to help you back to bed?"

"No...nono. I want youtogo." Her voice was barely audible against the cold tile.

"Well, that's not going to happen until your friends get home...so...you'll just have to deal with that.."

He heard her mumbled into the floor before she pushed her self up again to be sick. There wasn't really anything left in her stomach to throw up, and the acid burned her throat making her voice raw.

"Uggg..."

Rolling his eyes, Mark leaned against the sink so that he was facing her. "Grey, what possessed you to drink that much? You weigh like...100 pounds...you're not a heavy weight or anything."

"Shutup Mark. I needed to feel numb."

"Oh..what a great idea. I bet you feel empty now." Rolling up his sleeves and then unbuttoning his top few buttons he slid down the sink cabinet, convinced he was going to be there awhile.

He wasn't trying to be so harsh to her, but he couldn't understand her need to drink so much.

Several minutes passed in silence and it seemed like Meredith's stomach had finally stopped revolting against her.

"Alright, lets get you back in bed.."

"No.Please just let me sit here and wallow..." Rolling his eyes again, Mark walked over to her and in one strong swoop picked her up effortlessly.

"You shouldn't be wallowing."

She kicked at him for several seconds before residing to the fact that she wasn't going to get out of his muscular hold.

"I want to wallow." He was tempted to toss her onto the bed, but fearing she would throw up again he laid her gently down. 

"I have nothing left Mark. I'mallowedto wallow." Even though her words were slurred, a clear sign that the alcohol was still evident in her system, he watched her curled up from curiously. Every one of her friends had said she was ok..and moving on from Derek. She seemed ok at work, but as he watched her facade crumbling,  
he realized how wrong everyone was.

"Meredith, that's not true."

"He moved on Mark! He went and got someone else the day we broke up. He's there right now having sex with her...building our dream house..with her."

Mark didn't know what to say. He didn't talk to Derek much about Rose, but he knew that Derek was definitely not building any dream house with him. To his knowledge, Derek had never even discussed the house with her.

"I don't think he is that into Rose." Meredith had curled herself even more into a ball and turned away from Mark.

"Shut up! Youdon't know anything. I went there yesterday, to tell him I couldn't live without him...and SHE answered the door.  
youdon'thave seexxx with someone you're not serious about."

Mark couldn't hold his laugh. "I do it at least three times a week!"

"You're an ass. Derek's not like that."

Mark walked away from the bed trying his best not to laugh directly at her. He knew Meredith had a temper, it was best to not piss her off.

"He slept with you the first night you met didn't he?"

That struck a nerve and in a second she had turned around to face him. He saw the instant fire in her eyes and wondered if that was a direct result of the tequila as well.

"Don't you dare compare me and him to that nurse. We...we had something. Something special..and then he had a wife..then he didn't..then he just kept hurting me over and over, he walked away for good...and here I am. Poor,twisted Meredith who will be alone forever."

It was hard for him to follow her ramble, but listening to her he came to a daunting realization. One that Izzie had come to earlier that day.

"You're not over Derek at all are you?"

She glared at him, and then the world started to spin again so she laid back do in a huff.

"SHut up Mark."

"No." He said with determination and stepped closer to her. "You two are playing this stupid game where you pretend to be over each other...meanwhile you're both miserable. It's stupid. You know you still love him. He loves you, he always had."

"He does not love me! He loves rose!" She practically yelled and in that moment he felt like shaking her.

"Rose is some feeble attempt to get over you. It's not working."

"Well, it clearly is if they're having sleep overs."

"He's only human. You can't expect him to be celibate the rest of his life"

"SHUT UP!" She finally yelled and he grew impatient with her attitude and began searching around for his jacket.

"Whatever, have it your way. Be miserable."

He was close to leaving, he had almost made it to the door when he heard a tiny sob come from her mouth and his heart broke. It took him off guard. He didn't consider himself overly sentimental...but Meredith was such a strong person that he wasn't sure she was capable of crying.

Burying her head into her pillow she cried harder and soon that was all he could hear in the room.

"Um...Meredith, don't cry." He fumbled on his way back over to her. He didn't really know what to say. Or how to handle it. Comforting friend wasn't really his role...even when it was Derek, all he felt comfortable doing was being there.

"I...really love him." She sobbed like a child and he couldn't take any more and finally sat beside her and wrapped his arms around her. She fought him off for a second, before giving into him completely. She was tired of fighting, tired of avoiding...just tired all together.

"I know Meredith." It was all he could say in the awkward position he was in. He wanted to convince her Derek wasn't over her. He was sure his friend was just being a complete moron. But, somehow, he didn't think that would help her.

Her cries were muffled into his chest and soaked his leather jacket in damp tears. Like he had been doing it for years, he pushed the hair out of her face and held the silky strands gently in his finger tips. It was the only thing he knew how to do.

Her sobs settled down until they were just soft whimpers and he breathed a sigh of relief. Neither of them noticed the person who walked into the room until she was standing right over the bed.

"What the hell are you doing Mark?" Izzie demanded as she stepped closer to Meredith. She definitely was not expecting to see Mark in Meredith's bed and she had to admit, it shocked her. She wasn't about to let him take advantage of her very drunk friend.

I've been working on this update for awhile...then I got the flu...and today I finally felt ok enough to finish it. There's a second part to it, but it's so long now that i just had to post it. Sorry if it sucks...the flu sucks. It's hard to channel characters when you feel like death. anyway, let me know if it's really awful and i'll rewrite it! lol 


	12. Chapter 12

Sorry for the last post.For some reason the formatting got all messed up! hope this one is better! I re-posted it!

"What the hell are you doing Mark?" Izzie demanded as she stepped closer to Meredith. She definitely was not expecting to see Mark in Meredith's bed and she had to admit, it shocked her. She wasn't about to let him take advantage of her very drunk friend.

Startled, Mark looked up and held his hands up like he was being arrested. Meredith didn't even flinch at the intrusion and stayed propped into his chest. Izzie glared at him, until another muffled sob broke through the tension in the room.

In her confusion she hadn't noticed Meredith had been crying and her features changed dramatically as she kicked off her shoes and climbed into the bed. There was so many nights spent in Meredith's bed while they vented over their messed up lives that it was normal, it was only when Meredith refused to let go of Mark that she realized how far apart her and her friend had grown.

Meredith and Cristina has always had their thing..and Izzie always felt left on the outside. She still really never felt part of the mini clique. It dawned on her that she hadn't really talked to Meredith much since the break up with Derek. The kind of just existed, as roommates, saying occasional things to each other, but nothing worthy enough to commit to memory.

Izzie looked from Meredith and then back at Mark as he put his hands on her shoulders once again. It was such a shock to see Mark there, in their house...in Meredith's bed...being...dream? She laughed at herself for thinking. Dreamy...no. That couldn't be. Not Mark!

"Don't get your panties in a wad Stevens. I'm not going all soft and mushy! She was at the bar practically drowning in Tequila...so I couldn't just leave her.." He explained, not wanting to seem like he had turned into a chick over night.

"Is she ok?" Izzie asked, suddenly concerned that Meredith was drunk enough to be that close to Mark Sloan.

"Does she look ok? She already got sick...and started ranting about Derek..and now...well now she's..."

"Crying.." She interrupted, stating the obvious.

"Right now she's a mess. Does she do this often?"

"Meredith...Meredith can you hear me?" Asked Izzie, but got no response to her question.

"She's not deaf Izzie." Mark snapped. "Does she do this a lot? Do you know when it stops?"

He was quickly growing even more uncomfortable with the situation. Sensing Mark's body start to tense up, Meredith pulled out of his arms and buried her entire face into a pillow. They could hear sniffles and gasps, but it seemed as if she had stopped crying.

"No, I mean...not lately..that I know of. I mean...we haven't been that close. Did something happen? You didn't try to seduce her did you!?" Mark rolled his eyes at Izzie's knack for jumping to conclusions.

He unconsciously scooted closer to the edge of the bed away from the fragile woman. "Give me a break Izzie. I'm not a complete ass. I prefer my women not to be at least half sober."

Glaring at him she moved to unzip Meredith's black knee high boots. "Sorry Mark I just thought maybe you did something to spur this on. She was drinking all day...I know she found Rose at Derek's..but she had to have assumed they were sleeping together."

It was a struggle to get her boots off because ever once and awhile Meredith would kick at the intrusion.

"Well, that's the reason. That's what started the cry fest anyway. She's not over him, you're her friend, you should know that."

Izzie finally got both her boots off and sent them flying to the other side of the room. Mark's comment almost went right over her head, and then it clicked at she sat staring at him in silence.

"She said that? I mean she hinted to it earlier...but she actually came out and said it to you?"

"Um..yeah, I remember something about a dream house, and her being alone and miserable because she gave him up...something like that...I mean I'm a little rusty on my angsty girl interpretations."

Once again they heard Meredith's sobs start up and they both watched as her shoulders shook.

"Well, she definitely isn't. Not if just seeing Rose there did this..."

"He's not over her either."

It was Mark's turn to stare. He knew it, Derek never said it, but there was a reason he had a 20 riding on the fact that they would be together soon rather than later.

"Well...any idiot that's seem him wallowing around knows that. Wait, did he actually say that to you?" Mark couldn't very well see Derek just opening up to Izzie Stevens..though..in the shape his friend had been lately he wasn't sure what he was capable of.

Meredith's shoulders finally stopped shaking as her body succumbed to the exhaustion that downing tequila all night brought on. Her loud snores permeated the air and Mark looked at her oddly.

"Damn, for a little thing she can make a hell of a lot of noise. How did Derek get any sleep between that and sex?"

"He really didn't...actually after their nightly escapades he would sneak down to the couch."

"Ouch." Mark got up off the bed, but stood closely to it. "No wonder they broke up. A relationship can't really be happy that way."

Izzie smirked at him. "Mark..what in the world do you know about relationships?"

"You'd be surprised how much I know." He smirked back at her, both of them noticing the sudden chemistry that filled the air. It scared him, he had never felt attracted to the blond, and he shook it off by focusing once again to Meredith.

"Help me turn her on her side." He told her, and together they effortlessly turned her so that she was facing Izzie.

"What are we going to do about these two?" She whispered, realizing suddenly that their mutual friends were in deeper than either of them realized.

"I guess we just let them figure it out till they get sick of wallowing and actually talk to each other."

"Don't you think we should do something? Lock them in a closet...stage a broken down elevator..something?" He rolled his eyes, realizing why the girl usually annoyed him.

"That's chick stuff. They'll figure it out. They always do. Hopefully, it's before Christmas."

"That's a month away...I doubt it."

"We'll see. You know where to find me and Cristina when you want in on the bet. Now that's she's not dying, I should get out of here. I feel like Derek will castrate me just for stepping foot in this room."

"Ohhh...do you think I should accidentally tell him? His jealousy could help things along..."

Mark thought about it then shook his head as he made his way out. "I'm sure he already knows. She kissed me at the bar."

"Meredith...WHAT!?"

"She was drunk clearly not thinking...but...I'm sure I'll be in need a nose resetting tomorrow."

"Oh, this could be good..."

"Yeah, real good...I'm going to have hide all day now." He made it to the door but stopped when Izzie replied, "Well, he may not even know about it..you never know.."

Mark laughed, sarcastically and before leaving said, "Trust me. He'll know." The house was dark, and he made his way down the steps and didn't take a breath until he had made his way out and onto the porch.


	13. Chapter 13

It's getting away from you again While you're chasing ghosts 

It was raining again, to Derek it seemed like it had done nothing but rain since the day he let Meredith Grey walk out of his life. When he first moved from New York to Seattle, the rain was refreshing. It was like the street cleaner that came and swept all the crappy things away.

For many, rain kept people out of Seattle, but for him, it had been the sealer. He thrived on the fresh start it brought, the nice clean smell it left in the air. It was comforting, in a way New York had never been.

But, as he drove through downtown Seattle, the rain was nothing but a burden. It wasn't a cleansing, gentle rain, it was a dirty, pounding, relentless rain. It pounded all around his hair making it impossible to hear the radio, leaving him to listen to his own, dangerous thoughts.

Swish scrape, Swish Scrap, the windshield wipers went just like that. Often there would be too much water for them to handle and the road in front of him would blur into a shade of black.

He wasn't even thinking clearly as he took the first exit off the highway driving in the complete opposite direction of his land. Derek didn't even know what was going through his mind. The car seemed to steer itself weaving it's way in and our of downtown Seattle determined to get to the place it needed to be.

He could feel his cell phone vibrating at his side, and he pulled it from his pocket at tossed it into the back seat annoyed. He knew who it was, he knew why she was calling. She had most likely discovered there was no emergency at the hospital he had ditched her for.

Derek couldn't think after he saw Meredith leave the bar with Mark. He couldn't breathe...it was as if all the air had been sucked out of his lungs. Suddenly, everything had felt like it was moving him around him.

The people's voices were loud and overpowering, the cigarette smoke smothered him, and the woman whispering sweet nothings into his ear was making him cringe. He had to get out, get as far away from that place as he could. Rose had been disappointed by his obvious lie, but he didn't feel a tinge of guilt as he left.

'Meredith and Mark..' Every time his mind would actually clear it was the only thing it came back to. It sickened him. Just the idea of his friends hands all over his ex-girlfriend made him want to throw up.

His fists clenched around the steering wheel as imaged floated into his mind that not even the worst of men should have to endure. He knew he shouldn't care, he knew he had no right...but the reasonable thoughts were no match for the jealous ones swarming around his brain.

He was so lost in his thoughts he didn't realize he had turned his car onto Queen Anne's Hill and parked out front of a familiar Victorian house. He knew it was going to kill him to be there, but he had to know, he had to see Meredith moving on with his own eyes.

There was only one light on in the whole house, it was shining from her bedroom. A bedroom he had last stepped foot in just days before their break up. He could see shadows passing through the curtains, and squinted at first, to get a better look, before he gave up entirely knowing the rain made it impossible.

The street lights shone glimmered off the sports car in front of him and he noticed for the first time, that Mark's car was still there. Instead of the anger he thought he'd feel, all that rushed through his body was loss.

It was the feeling his pride hadn't let him feel all that time. He had covered the heartbreak with so much bitterness and frustration that he had never once let himself grieve over the loss of love.

Emotion poured out of his body like the rain that was beating down. He couldn't focus, he couldn't think, all he could do was let the hope drain from his soul.

Derek pulled away, before he could bare to look anymore. It was his fault, he knew it. And in that moment, he felt completely helpless.


	14. Chapter 14

The sickeningly sweet smell of some form of fattening batter being grilled wafted through the upstairs of Meredith's large Victorian house awakening her from a restless sleep. Her stomach lurched in protest as the scent assaulted her nose. Opening her mouth and letting her tongue smack against the roof of her mouth she cringed. She tasted like old, rotten tequila and that made her stomach roll once again.

Though her brain was telling her to rush to the bathroom, her actual body wouldn't budge. Her stiff limbs protested at the mere motion of rolling over. All she could do was roll over on her side and wait for the nausea to pass. Allowing herself to open her mouth again she was shocked at how dry it was. It felt like a thousand cotton balls had been stuffed in overnight draining all moisture from her body. She eyed a large glass of water that had been placed on her night stand sometime during the night, but even the task of reaching for it proved to be to great to conquer.

Meredith didn't bother to look up as her bedroom door creaked open letting light from the hallway pierce her shut eye lids. Though she hadn't looked at the alarm clock, she guessed by the lack of light filtering in from the windows that it was about 5 AM. Even severely hung over, her body was still on auto pilot to wake up early.

"Good morning sunshine!" Izzie greeted in a cheerful tone that made Meredith instantly cringe and bury herself deeper into the pillow at her side.

"Ughhhh" Her barely audible groan didn't put Izzie off as she came further into the room and sat a plate of pancakes and a glass of orange juice on the bedside table by the bed. The scent alone gave her body the strength to launch itself out of bed and into her private bathroom. Izzie cringed, listening to her friend heave into the toilet and decided to wait for her at the bed.  
She wasn't sure Meredith remembered the events from the night before, but she knew once she did, she'd be humiliated, and she didn't want her to feel even more embarrassed.

15 minutes passed and Izzie got worried at the lack of noise coming from the small room. "Meredith...are you ok?" Getting no response she walked to the room and stood in the doorway much like Mark had the night before. "Oh Meredith..." Izzie couldn't stand watching her friend lay in a crumpled heap next to the toilet. Grabbing a washcloth from the shelf she wet it and sat down next to Meredith.

"I feel like death." Whispered Meredith, her voice scratch from the amount of times she had thrown up in the past 24 hours.

"After the amount of tequila you had last night..I'm surprised your not actually dead." Meredith took the wash cloth and used it to bury her face in it as she cautiously laid back onto the tile floor. There wasn't much room for both girls tomaneuver, but Izzie bent her legs to allow Meredith space to get comfortable.

Meredith didn't reply and the room fell into an eerie silence. Finally, Izzie asked, "Do you remember anything from last night?"

"I remember sitting at Joe's...and Tequila..lots and lots of Tequila.." The disgusted face she was making was hidden by the pink wash cloth. Izzie couldn't help but smile. Leave it to her friend to completely black out or rather..block out her biggest drink-a-thon ever. She was glad Meredith was confiding in her. It had been so long since the two had actually shared a meaningful, sober conversation.

"So, you don't remember Mark accompanying you home last night?" In an instant the wash cloth was thrown to the side and Meredith shot up momentarily fighting off the dizzy sensation.

"What!?" She eyed Izzie with pleading eyes, almost begging her to tell her what had happened. Mark was a good looking guy, but she couldn't handle being another betrayal on Derek's list. She already disappointed him as a girlfriend and maybe even as just a friend...she couldn't be the snap that broke the delicate strand he held with his revived friendship with Mark.

"Mark said you seduced him at the bar."

"I..." She looked at the ceiling unable to watch the amusement in Izzie's eyes. She tried her hardest to think back to the night before. She had seen Rose at Derek's...her stomach still clinched at the memory..then there was Joe's...and booze...lots and lots of booze...shot glasses piled high, crappy music...pea nuts...George, Izzie...Cristina...the drowning of her pager was fuzzy in her mind..and then..just on the brink of memory..there it was ...Mark. His lips on hers, his manly scent...

"Oh My god." The memory of the kiss was all it took for the bile to swim back up her throat urging her to get back to the toilet so she could be sick once again. Thinking fast, Izzie took hold of her hair and held it back as her friend gagged. There was nothing left to come up, but it was as if her stomach was purging her from the sins of the night before.

It took her a few minutes to recover, and when she did her voice sounded even more broken than before. "Did I...did I sleep with him?" Meredith brought the toilet seat lid down with a forceful thud and let her head rest on it.

"No. You missed him though, at Joe's...I think he brought you home after that. I came home last night and found him here...he wouldn't have taken advantage of you like that.."

"I hit on Mark..."

"Well..I guess so..but don't worry, he didn't seem to mind. You were upset, and crying, and I think he was just worried about you."

"I'm humiliated." Meredith replied with anguish in her voice. Her cheeks were burning red with embarrassment. She had kissed Mark Sloan..hit on Mark Sloan...and he had turned her down. Of course he would, no one wanted dark and twisty Meredith. Not that she wanted him to want her. Her thoughts were confusing and spinning wildly out of control. If Derek didn't hate her already he was sure to hate her now. It was probably all over the hospital. Meredith Grey...the whore. Just what she needed to start her day.

"Don't be..you were too far gone to know what you were doing..we were all worried about you."

Groaning in response, she tried to get up from her position on the floor but her limbs were too weak and she fell back down. The situation was bad, everything was bad. She hadn't had that much to drink in ages, and it was catching up to her body quickly. There were still so many events from the night before that werehazy...but she wasn't even sure she wanted them to come in any clearer.

"Woah, don't try to get up." Izzie instructed, and put a hand on her friends shoulder to steady her. Let me call for Alex, he can help me get you back to bed.

"No, I have to get ready for work...my shift is at 8...and...oh god...I didn't go to work yesterday?" It had just clicked in her head, she was on her way to her shift when Joe's called out to her like a beacon of hope. Gone were her interns, her bosses, her life's dream...all were forgotten about for a pile of empty shot glasses. Empty like her stomach currently felt, empty...like her heart.

Not being able to stand the uncomfortable position much longer, Izzie stood up. "You didn't go in...we covered for you though...Cristina told Baily you got suddenly ill and had to go home...she was pissed..but I mean...she's not our resident anymore so what's the worst she can do? The chief will let you off easy, he loves you...the only person who seemed to really be angry was..." Izzie stopped herself. She almost said Derek and by the look on Meredith's face, it was clear who she was about to name.

"Derek." Meredith finished for her. "He was angry?"

"Yeah..um...he said something about you missing two of his surgeries...he got over it though...once I explained you weren't feeling well. Izzie neglected to tell her friend any more than she had to. Sure, she wanted to tell her how worried Derek seemed...she wanted to tell her that his anger seemed to be a giant facade for the worry oozing out of his pores. It would also help Meredith to know that he wasn't over her. But things like that were best left for the right time. She wasn't sure how her friend would take that news yet...it was better left unsaid..at least until the alcohol had full time to wear off.

"Of course he was angry...that's all I'm good at...making him angry." Meredith responded bitterly and Izzie just stood motionless not knowing what to say.

"You're not going to work today...you can't even stand up."

"Iz, I have to go." Argued Meredith as she gave standing another try. This time, she managed to stand all the way up before the weight of her body pulled her down and into Izzie's arms. Expecting it, Izzie held her up as best she could and walked her slowly back to her bed. It wasn't easy, Meredith was tiny, but she was dead weight clinging to Izzie's side. Stopping at the bed allowed Meredith to not to gracefully roll onto it and crawl back into the safe fetal position she had woken up in.

"We'll call the hospital together. Maybe we'll talk directly to Richard. He'll understand, he's always encouraging you to take time off." At that point the room was spinning so fast Meredith didn't care what Izzie did. She certainly had no desire to go back to the hospital to see Derek all lovey dovey with Rose and face the awkward situation she had created with Mark. She was better off in bed, wallowing in self pity.

"Will you be ok home by yourself?" Meredith just groaned in reply as her eyes shut, willing the spinning room to stop...willing the memories to stop...willing the pain to stop. She didn't hear Izzie leave the room, or the shutting of her door as she finally succumbed to sleep once again.


	15. Chapter 15

SOrry this took so long. After season 4 played out I kind of lost interest in it. But then I re-read it and love it all over again. I hope now that mer/der are together in the show you guys will still be interested in it as well. Let me know! If you want more I'll keep writing!

Tell me that you'll open your eyes...

Something startled Derek awake. It could have been the eerie silence that surrounded the car once the rain had given up it's fight against it. Or, perhaps it was the brilliant sunlight that pierced through his closed eye lids that woke him up. He wasn't sure, however, either way he was awake and confused.

In a moment of dread, he bolted upright into a sitting position. The leather of his interior squeaked beneath him. It was morning. He must have fallen asleep. Glancing at his watch he let out a groan. It was 7:00 AM and he had surgery in two hours.

There was drool on his face, Derek could feel it dripping down his chin. With a rough hand, he wiped it dry paying no attention to the scratchy scruff that had occumulated on his chin. He hadn't shaved in over 2 days and it was started to itch like crazy.

It took a minute for his mind to process the scenery around him. He was in his car, with a kink in his neck and a pouding headache. He was in the same clothes he had worn to work and then to the bar the night before. The bar. Suddenly, the memories surrounded him once again. Mark had kissed Meredith...they had left together...Mark had gone to her house. The events that sleep had managed to erase were coming back with intensity.

Derek couldn't escape the horrible images that penetrated his psyche. All night long, as the rain had beat down apon his car, he had driven around Seattle picturing Mark's hands stroking Meredith's naked form. He didn't want the images to be there. He hated himself for it, but they came anyway. Sometimes they were so strong, that he had to pull over in order to shake his head free of them.

Meredith's legs wrapt around Mark's waist, Mark's mouth against hers, her loud moans keeping her roomates up. At some point in the night, the powerful images had broken his resolve all together and his tears joined the rain to complete a scene of misery.

Derek wasn't sure how it happened exactly, his mind drew a blank after midnight, but, somehow he had ended up in front of Mark's town house. It was 20 miles away from the desolate land he was supposed to have gone home to. But, he couldn't help it. He had to see for himself. He had to confront the friend who had once again betrayed him.

Glancing around the small driveway, he noticed the absence of Mark's car. Taking a deep breath he had to squeeze his eyes shut to block out the painful sight. Meredith had let him spend the night. Mark Sloan, had been allowed to curl up beside her and hold her all night long. The mere idea drove a knife through his heart.

For months, Derek had been kicked out of her bed. He wasn't allowed to hold her, or comfort her, or even have the comfort of waking up to her beautiful face. Sex was all he was allowed to give and angry thoughts took over his brain. It was as if his mind couldn't physically handle any more pain, so it started releasing the build up as anger.

Anger was Derek's defense mechanism. He didn't know how to hold on to Meredith, he didn't know how to be in a successful relationship...but he did know how to be angry.

Watching as Mark's car pulled up and stopped beside his, Derek's fists clinched against the steering wheel. He was out of the car before Mark could even park and get out of his own.

"Derek, what are you doing here? I was just at your place...I wanted to talk to you." Mark asked once he had stepped out of the car. Mark's voice trailed off once he noticed the angry look on his friends face. The pieces fell into place, and in that moment, Mark realized Derek knew about Meredith. Nothing had happened, but Derek must have seen them at the bar...either that or he had heard through the grape vine.

Mark didn't have anytime to dwell on his thoughts because Derek was at his side in a matter of seconds. "Talk to me about what Mark?" Spat Derek, his voice was laced with so much anger that Mark took a step back, but his fancy sports car stopped him.

"I wanted to tell you about last night..."

Mark was interrupted by Derek's hand coming up. "What did you want to tell me? Huh, come on tell me." Mark didn't reply, he didn't even know what to say. "You wanted to tell me that you screwed Meredith, is that it? You wanted to tell me how once again you have stolen another girl from me?"

The thread holding Mark's thoughts in check snapped and his eyes darkened. "As far as I know, she hasn't been yours for a long time." Mark wanted nothing more than to defend himself. He wanted to tell his friend just how wrong he was. But, Derek was showing no signs of even letting his friend speak.

Mark's words had fueled Derek's anger and suddenly he roughly grabbed the collar of Mark's leather jacket and pushed him against the car. "No. You don't get to talk to me about her Mark. She's not one of your whores. She's not just another good lay with no strings attached. She's not a conquest."

"A conqeust? Get over yourself Man." Mark snapped and pushed Derek off of him. He wiped off his jacket and fixed his collar while Derek stood seething. Mark was stronger, he could over power Derek in a second, but he knew anger was just Derek's way of dealing with pain.

The venom in Derek's words didn't match the pain behind Derek's blue eyes. With a swipe of his hand, Derek brushed his loose curls off his forehead. Looking around frantically he finally rested his eyes back on Mark.

"She's not a whore. She's not." His voice had turned from anger to pain. The thoughts racing around his brain were barely coherent, and the words coming out of his mouth showed that. "She's an honest, beautiful, extraordinary woman...and you can't just destroy that" All the previous anger was turning once again to pain. Mark saw the transformation, and his face grew sympathetic.

"Nothing happened." He didn't have to look at his friend to see his look of disbelief. "I mean it. Nothing happened."

"I'm supposed to believe that?" Derek spat, and then let out a sigh.

"Believe what you want. But I was the one who brought her home after she drank herself senseless."

"I saw you kiss her!" He argued back and Mark couldn't handle it anymore. Derek didn't have a clue as to what he was doing.

"You have no idea what you're doing. Yeah she kissed me...yeah I could have kissed back...I could have taken advantage of her and fucked her senseless..." Derek's eyes dilated at Mark's words, but he remained silent. His anger was gearing up again, it was only a matter of time before he would explode.

"But, I didn't. I know she's a wonderful woman. I know she's extraordnary. I have too much respect for her to do that.  
You are such an idiot. She doesn't want me! She wanted someone she could forget about you with. She wants you!"

Shaking his head, Derek nearly yelled, "She could of had me. That's bullshit. I was there, loving her and she did nothing but push me away."

"You're such an idiot." Mark had never really stood up to his friend before. He had always played the role of Derek's side kick. He felt empowered to be putting his friend in his place. "Do you even know why she was drunk? Why she played hookie from work to spend the day drowning in tequila?" Mark didn't even give Derek a chance to answer.

"She went to your trailer yesterday morning to tell you she wanted to work things out...and Rose answered your door. She wants you, and you once again have blown it. She'd be dead right now if i hadn't of taken her home and made sure she didn't pass out in a pool of her own vomit...so don't feed me any more of your egotistical crap."

A stabbing pain of guilt shot through Derek's heart. He hadn't been imagining things...he had smelt lavender..she had been there and suddenly he felt the urge to vomit. Meredith was there, she had seen Rose...she had probably seen the construction crew working on the house. Once again he had broken her.

"I didn't...I didn't know..."

Mark wanted to smirk at how idiotic his friend had been. He felt like maybe he had finally talked some sense into him. "Well, now you do. I'll take that apology anytime." He joked, but Derek didn't hear a word he said.

"I did this...I can't believe I hurt her again." Derek was talking more to himself than to Mark. It was kind of amusing to Mark, as he watched his friend run his hands through his hair over and over again.

"What should I do? I don't...how do I fix this? Is she okay now?"

The smirk Mark had been holding in finally reached the surface. "Look how the tables have turned...Derek is coming to me for advice..." Derek didn't respond. They stood there in silence for several minutes before Mark looked at his watch and let out a sigh.

"Listen, I'd love to do this all day but I've got to shower before my shift."

"What do I do?" Derek choked out, Mark had never seen him so desperate before.

"You really need me to spell it out for you? I'll remember this...the day you came to Mark Sloan for relationship advice.."

"Shut up Mark."

"Go to her. Fix this thing. It shouldn't have ever gotten this far and you know it."

"You think she'll even listen to me?"

"After all the alcohol she drank last night...I think she'll be too hung over to argue" Derek pondered Mark's ideas, and then, without any further words he turned and stalked back to his car. All Mark could do was smile. His friend was determined, more determined than he had seen him in awhile and he hoped perhaps that would be the beginning of something good. Not to mention...he had a bet to win...and trumping Cristina Yang would be the highlight of his day.


End file.
